Friday, March 16, 2012

No one really understands

No one can really understand the relationship between the adoptive mom and the birth mom. Four and a half months in, I'm still learning - it's a gradual process. We didn't have the chance to get to know our birth mom ahead of time, like some adoptive moms do. We spent a few hours with her, and got a feel for her overall personality, but she had just given birth two days before, and was in an emotional place - so I know we didn't get the full picture.

Complete strangers will say to me, "how could she just give up her child?," with looks of disgust. Caring friends have innocently said the same thing. My first thoughts are, "you weren't there!" You weren't there to watch her cry as she held this precious little girl that she was placing in a new home. You weren't there when it was time to leave and she said, "make sure she knows I love her." I wasn't there whenever she found out she was pregnant and made the decision to place her child for adoption. I WAS there when she said she didn't believe in abortion, something we of course are eternally grateful for.

I don't know all her reasons, what affected her decision making process. I know she is young. And has two other children, very close in age. I know she lives with her mother and step-father, and doesn't work. I don't know the relationship between her and A's birth father - I know he has seen pictures, and she sent me a picture of him on my phone so we know what he looks like - but I'm under the impression they are not together, and haven't been for a while.

I think it's kind of funny when people are surprised we have so much contact with birth mom. Today's open adoptions are very different from how it all "used to be" years ago. She CHOOSE us as a family for her baby, we met and talked with her. She said she wanted to see lots of pictures, so I do my best to uphold my end of the bargain (which let's face it, sharing pictures is no hardship for my camera obsessed self!). A has a facebook page solely for the purpose of communicating with her birth mom; I tend to post pictures on it about once a week. T is always grateful and makes lots of comments. I've noticed she doesn't initiate asking for pictures, or ask questions about her - but when I post things, she always comments, and sometimes asks questions. She says things like, "that makes me so happy to see she is happy," and "love you guys!," and "you're taking such good care of her and I love you for that." I think she tries to not be intrusive, but I'm sure she wants to know how A is doing. And I guess I want her to know too, so she knows she made a good decision about choosing our family, so she knows this baby is LOVED beyond measure, so she can have peace.

I think about her almost everyday -how can I not? I see T's face everytime I look at my daughter. I wonder what kind of personality, hobbies, traits that she has that A might inherit. I study T's facebook page, and have gleaned some information about her homelife and personal life - but of course I want to know more. But I also don't want to be too intrusive. It's a delicate balance, one I'm still learning about. I'm sure will be learning about for years!

I hear as time goes on, contact with the birth mother fades. I can see that. I wonder if she will want to meet A one day, and I'm ok with that - but nervous too. I do want A to meet her half brothers, and have a relationship with them, if she wants. And, she can have a relationship with T too - it will be up to her, really. Up to Analise, I mean. I've heard of some birth moms who have had NO contact with their adoptive families, and the adoptive families are a little sad. I would be too. I'm glad we've had contact with T. I'm glad we've been able to give her (hopefully) some kind of peace of mind that her baby is safe. Loved. Happy. And is now our baby girl.

I can't think of a way to wrap up this post - but baby A is helping me, because she has woken up and is crying so I need to go take care of her! As usual, thanks for reading this post and sharing in a piece of my heart!

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